So in The Bible, there’s a guy called Lot. Lot lives in a town called Sodom which is full of people that are hating on God. 

To check it out and confirm all the hearsay was true, God sent some angels down to take a look.

When the angels arrived, Lot met them and urged them into his house, however the townsmen caught wind and decided to go round Lot’s house too.

When they got there, they ordered Lot to send the angels out so they “could have sex” with them… but Lot refused and said “I have two virgin daughters, take them instead” (cheers dad). The townsmen tried to push their way through, threatening Lot, so one of the angles came out, blinded everyone then pulled Lot back in the house. The Bible is pretty mental.

So God was pissed because man had become wicked, so he told this 200 year old, good guy called Noah to build a unsane boat with his kids because it would certainly save them from “the accident”.

God was so angry with humans that he decided he was going to wipe out mankind & all the animals by drowning them all in a crazy flood that was going to last for 40 days. (reasonable).

God told Noah that he should take 7 males and 7 females of EVERY kind of ‘clean’ animal, and 2 male, 2 female of EVERY ‘unclean’ animal. (after building a boat big enough to house every animal in the world, he then had to go and capture them all, make sure there were the correct number of male and female and then convince them all to live on a boat).

Once the flood had finished, Noah grew a vineyard and started making wine, his children had their own kids with their wives and they were getting along fine.
Then… one day Noah was getting smashed on the wine he was making (maybe drowning his sorrows/ numbing his post traumatic stress after seeing all his mates, parents and the rest of nature being wiped out by a flood whilst he was cruising with his boat amongst the floating bodies), he got so drunk that he lost his trousers and underwear before collapsing in his tent, dick out, asleep.

One of his sons then happened upon him and accidently saw the drunken, naked state his dad was in, so he convinced his brothers to help cover their dad with a blanket.

The three of them took a blanket, walked backwards so not to face Noah or glance his junk, then placed the blanket on him so he didn’t die from pneumonia.

NOW, when Noah woke up, he knew that one of his sons saw him naked, so to cover his wrong doings and push the buck onto someone else, he forced the son that saw him naked to become a slave for his two brothers. (cheers then).

IMHO Noah seems like a bit of a douche, though there are another 10,000 words in the bible that I am yet to read… just thought I would share my thoughts so far.

Today I learned the names of all the gladiators (from the TV show).

I think they should release a baby name book.

(via deadendfriends)

Does everyone remember being at school when they would invite the local buzz-kill in to talk to you about how bad sex is, and that if you ever did it there was always a solid chance that our genitals would turn into something worthy of capturing in a slide show to show others what happens when beer + sex goes wrong..?

Well before my form was banned from taking a sex ed class (thats a story for another day) I vivadly remember a diagram that explained the dangers of an unprotected glory hour; when a guy sleeps with a girl unprotected, he’s also sleeping with every other guy shes been with - and vice versa.

aka, if you accidentally sleep with a dirty stranger you’re going to catch something; hundreds of thousands of people have AIDS and many of them wont even know - It’s very likely that a dirty stranger will have it.

I pray that no-one ever gets it, butI seem to be the only person that worries about it! I guess thats because all the doctors are constantly putting a negative twist on the thing and I’m always reading up on it for some reason. Suffice to say its not pleasant and it’s out there… hm.

As for diabetes, well that’s a lot more likely to get me because you can give it to yourself by being a fat mess, eating lots of chocolate and doing zero exercise. (your odds increase if you have a bad gene or if you smoke)

I’m worried because I literally love chocolate, though recently I find myself buying some, walking home and throwing it straight in the bin. I’m an idiot but I guess im a sucker for shiny and colourful packets?!

Anyway I’m none for injecting insulin into my body all the time.
Most of the time I turn into a vomiting, dizzy girl when I have to have blood tests (though my last test was actually amazing) so I know that if I had to give myself injections i’d probably pussy out and end up loosing my foot or something. 

I’d actually be a mess - probably need a carer like a child or an old person. 

I just thought I’d let you all know :-)

I’m going to put SLAYER on and try to fall asleep again.
Laterrrss xo

For as long as I can remember I thought it was normal to poo at an average of twice a week, for being a taboo subject at school & in fear of being known as the ‘shit-talking gay lord’, the truth didn’t come to light until the end of college; when girls, shit and dicks became standard topics of conversation.

Knowing the truth I tried my damnedest to catch up and meet the average pooing rate of every other human, I went from changing my diet and altering my exercise routines to google-ing the lack of bowel movement in relation to syndromes and diseases.

What a rollercoaster that became; I would either eat and drink so much weird stuff that I couldnt sit still for more than 10mins without wanting to poo/fart (note the ‘slash’ between poo and fart for not knowing whats coming, imagine you think you want to fart but if you let it yourself parp, there was always an 80% chance you’ll follow through) tough times. Or I wouldnt be able to go at all which meant it would back up for a week beforre I’d bust out the prune juice.

Anyway, this weekend was a triumph in my deffication leauge; I managed to poo twice a day! :All I had to do was digest a whole lot of food, chocolate and espresso. :D

Now I know for a fact that girls don’t poo (we have all seen the t-shirt) and so I contemplated taking pictures to show all the ladies what a human poo looks like, however I couldnt find a good shot - I would wipe and drop the tissue in before remembering to take a pic… sorry, I am literally going to try and remember to take photos next time.

I hope everyone else had a sweet easter weekend.

xo

For reasons far beyond my understanding, I seem to be ever unable to actually fall asleep at a reasonable time during the week.

Im sure I average 5 hours a night and work seem suprised if I ever manage to turn up on time.

However last night, James and I decided to have a LOL at that Amy Can Flyy video made by those two jailbait girls, whilst reminiscing about the benders that used to go to our school and hunting them on Facebook.

At about 1am we decided to toughen up and get tonk on the IRON GYM (4 MEN!) and lift weights, (during this I was reciting slayer lyrics in my head whilst James went on about how he loves boys now..idk).

Once we hit 2am, I realised I had to be up again at 7 so we called it a night.

Hours later I awoke to 6 different alarms ringing throughout my room… 6…

In a daze I got up, tuned them all off and laid back down for another ‘5 minutes’.

AN HOUR AND A HALF later I woke up again, I was confused and tired and even thought about calling in sick because I couldn’t be bothered to get up and drive in such a state, but then I remembered I actually have a proper job with proper work and deadlines I’m certain I wont meet.

I arrived at work 45 mins late, looking like shit wearing creased old clothes, hungry, smelly and because I put my trousers on wrong? they crushed me on the drive in which left me with some kind of ball trauma. FML.

I sat at my computer looking and feeling like a scarecrow, willing my lunch break closer because I knew some shit work food would sort me out.

Lunch arrived and I ordered my food with SUCH joy, but after being declined on all 3 of my cards the guy I work with leant me another £10 (current debt to Pete: £140) for my veggie burger and chips that ended up tasting of chemicals only. zero.

When I called the bank they told me I had gone over my overdraft in two accounts and then over my credit card limit.

I LOL’d at how much of a financial horror I was living and then remembered that someone had posted me something but didn’t pay enough money for it to actually pushed through my door, I dont know what it is but I want it. However im burdened with zero money so… I cant even buy my own post off the postman?

That was my day.

Just sayin’

hmmmm xD

Probably cant turn this album off. idk.

This is the only album I’ve ever had of theirs. :O 

You have to start somewhere I guess…